hmm haven't written in forever. Well I am living at the Paul's. It's a change from my uncle's house but I like it. Not much has happened in my opinion. I still feel and look like the same old me.... Well actually I guess there is new stuff in my life. I now go to therapy every monday at 3 and on certain wednesdays I have to go to my mom's house.

just when I think things are going good and I might have a chance at happiness, things change and go in the opposite direction. Today I found out what my dad's thoughts were on my whole situation and he pretty much broke me :*( He is against everything even though that may be my happiness. He says he would do anything for my happiness, yet he won't see things the way I do. He just makes me feel like I'm nobody and I have no say in what goes on in my life, yet it's my life. If he truely wanted my happiness, why won't he let me do what would make me so happy :*(. I don't understand and maybe I never will but I'm going to do what I want to do and what I know and feel is right no matter what anybody says. I know the Lord will be on my side, He will always be there for me. I just need to believe and have faith in myself and others and the Lord that this will get better.

hmm nothing really new lately. I got my bottom braces on and my mouth is killing me. It sucks. Uh i didn't wear my seatbelt and now my knee is killing me... that's about it. Nothing really exciting happening. My birthday is in 11 days. I'll be turning 16 but I'm not excited at all. Pretty weird but whatever.

hmmm my life feels like it is crashing down on me =/ my dad got out of jail =/ i don't know what to do. Well it's not like I even knew what to do in th first place. I'm reading this book and hopefully it'll help me.
Yesterday I broke into a car. It was quite amazing haha. All because of Youtube I know how to break into a car. Oh and all because of Youtube I know how to play piano =D Tassie had to go and ruin that by peeing on me. NOT COOL!!!!
Ugh I still really like this guy but I'm only ever going to be just his friend. Big bummer =/ The one time I actually admit to liking a guy this happens to me.. Whatever that's life. There will be other guys so can't be all sad about the situation

Ya so nothing new lately. Just thinking alot about everything. I feel like everything I've been doing lately doesn't matter. I've been in a "I don't care" mood for the last week and the truth is that whenever I say that I really do care.
I feel so unprepared for what is to come and I feel like I haven't learned from what has happened. I feel like I can't ever make up my mind anymore between what I know is right and what I know is wrong. I know and I believe mostly everything I've been taught but I seem to feel like I don't really know anything at all. I'm in a really confusing stage in my life and I don't know where to go from here. Well I do but I don't know how to get where I want to go without hurting people's feelings or hurting myself. I wish things were a lot simpler. I wish people couldn't read me so easily. There's alot of things I wish for but I know won't ever happen. Well they might happen but I'm too impatient to wait for things to happen. God does stuff in His time and sometimes I feel like He's not going to help me at all but I know He is, I'm just too impatient to wait.
Ever since I came back from trek last week, I've been thinking alot about faith. Having faith in someone or something that you can't see is really hard for me. I have faith and I do believe but I feel like my faith isn't enough sometimes and I get so frustrated because I really hate not knowing. But not knowing is a part of life, a part of life that I hate dealing with and I've had to deal with it for so long that I just wish I would know what to do already. Ugh!!!!
Change of subject..... So I've picked up my guitar recently and I am learning how to play new songs. My fingers are pretty much dying from playing but it's okay because it'll all be worth it. Today a chunk of skin came of off my index finger on my left hand but it didn't hurt. It hurt though when I took a break and came back and tried to play again. My fingers are like bright pink and they all feel like they're burnt. It sucks and it sucks to type too so I'm going to leave you guys with these thoughts. Have a good evening

sorry I haven't posted in a while. Monday was a big day of drama than I'm glad is over. Tuesday was a surreal blur and Wednesday was a good day. I had a talk from Sister Paul that I really needed. It was about the source of all light and how the closer you are to the source the more you know the source is true but the farther you get from the source the more it gets warped by outside forces. The source of all light is God and everything that comes from Him is good even when it is so far away from Him. The light is still good far away but it gets warped and twisted by Satan. Our thoughts are affected by this too. Once we have a bad thought we only get worse thoughts after that but if we have good thought then they only seem to get better.

So I haven't written in a little bit sorry. This whole week has been a new experience for me. Every day I woke up way earlier than I usually do and I read scriptures with the Pauls. After we read together, all of us youngins cleaned up the house for the day so then we could play. My time was so off being there. Like by the time I usually wake up, we were all outside playing. It was fun. They really made me feel like I was part of the family.
On Wednesday, I actually started my Personal Progress. What a miracle!!! I made a bonnet for the trek. I didn't think it would be so hard to sew it but it was fun and it turned out really pretty. I am totally gonna keep it because it is the BOMB!!!! haha and that night I had to massage Meagan to sleep but i did that the last two nights also. The only difference this time was that Meagan was like smacking me in the head whenever I stopped. It was kinda funny haha
Yesterday was Amanda's graduation party. There were more kids and adults here than there were her friends. It was funny but fun at the same time. I got to see Rachel again. She says that I've changed alot but I don't see it. She said that I was more mature and happy. I don't know if the second one is true or the first one. I am more happy but not really. I don't know what to do anymore but I try to act and be the happiest I can be when I'm not at my house because it's not worth acting depressed and making other people worry about you. I don't know maybe it's just me though.
Today I am pretty much going to be doing nothing like I did yesterday. Oh ya yesterday everybody left me =[ but I still had fun.. I went over to my friends' house and chilled with them. They're brother and sister, one is in my sunday school class and the other is in my young women class. It was fun hanging with them but I ended up only hanging out with Mitchell and Justin and not with Lindsey but she kinda left me for Sydnee when she came over. Oh well I still had fun. So ya I might go over to their house again today and chill but we can't rough house today because I'm still really sore from yesterday. Well there's a slight possibilty I might write again today. So have a great day and be positive and happy because you will always have a great day if you're happy. Even if bad things happen, you can always make it better with your attitude.

So hmm today I went to Wally World lol AKA Walmart and Target with Marco. It was fun but I always feel awkward with him just because of everything that has gone on between like me and his dad, my uncle. Blah whatever things are meant to happen and they are going to happen whether we like it or not.
So everybody is leaving like super early tomorrow morning so I have to go to Meagan's house today. I don't mind going over because I pretty much live there but I hate the fact that I'm not even trusted to be home alone or have a key to my house. I hate not being trusted, it's the worse feeling ever. There are two things I hate hearing from the people closest to me and that is that they're disappointed in me and that they don't trust me.I used to have a very low self-esteem, I know its hard to believe, but ya I still do every once in a while and when I hear people say that they don't trust me, it just makes it go lower.
BLAH!!!!! I don't really have a lesson today or even a thought. I'm tired of feeling this way. I just want things to change back to how they were before I met my mom

Yesterday I spent the night at my mom's house because I haven't seen my brother in forever and it was way awkward. I didn't want to spend the night but my brother kept making me feel bad. Blah it was like a set up too. My uncle really doesn't want me here any more. When I came home this afternoon, everybody was like why are you here? It sucks to feel like you aren't welcome in your own home but even sucks more to know that the house you live in isn't going to be there forever.
I feel so empty yet full at the same time. Empty because of everything and opportunity I've lost throughout my life and because of the feeling that I'm not welcome. Full because of every opportunity I've taken and the blessings I've gotten. Being full is way better than being empty but the feeling of being empty somehow stays with me more than the feeling of being full.
It's weird how life works it way out of things but then into other things. If there's one thing I've learned from Sister Paul, is that LIFE IS NOT FAIR.... oh and also that people can't make you do anything because everything is your choice. That's why we're here. But ya as I was saying.... Life isn't fair so we have to deal with the obstacles in our lives no matter how painful they are. We can't go and complain about everything because then we are just wasting air doing it. Nothing good ever comes from complaining, I've learned from experience but I wish it would help. whatever....

So ya today has been very very boring. I have literally done nothing all day. Uh today i have to meet my aunt's kid she adopted and nobody is look forward to it. I really don't want to meet it and I especially don't want to see her. That's really mean to say but whatever I don't like her.
I've pretty much been texting all day. Morgan, Zach, and Christiana pretty much are making my day. They all texted me to see if I was okay haha. I thought it was quiet funny. Well Morgan is trying to find a way to save me from everything. Like honestly I haven't really talked about my life in a while and now that I think of it..... how did I go through everything I did and still be normal? I was so angry and depressed for most of my life and now everybody you ask will say I'm happy all the time. Maybe God was on my side the whole time and now that that part of my life is over He is helping me forgive all the people I was so angry at. I've also realized that you can be so angry at someone and still forgive them. It doesn't mean you have to ever like them again or that they're going to be your best friends but the fact that you can let everything that happened go. Just makes the greatest difference. It's like a huge weight being lifted off of your shoulders. Also knowing that you're not alone and that you never will be is like the greatest feeling ever.... my thoughts for today are simple but I just feel lucky right now because of all the knowledge I know....

So yesterday was probably the worst last day of school every. It was like super windy and it rained while I was walking with my friends to go pick something up. I got blisters on my feet from walking in these stupid flip flops. I didn't want to hang out with them but they made me feel bad cuz last year they were my best friends and this year I barely hung out with them. I felt so awkward with them because the stuff they were doing were totally against my standards. So I pretty much just sat there being the odd one out. Oh well I got to ride a 2 seater bike. It was fun. Then at mutual I got kneed in the head and my glasses got all bent. blah
Today started out horrible but I told myself that today was going to be a good day and so far it has been. I had like a really bad headache and throat ache this morning and I still have them but my day is still amazing. So far today I've worked out and gone to the park and tonight I'm going to Zach's BBQ.
Next week I'm gonna be at Meagan's house from like Tuesday til Friday. It's gonna be fun but I'm still bummed because I don't get to go to Mexico with my uncle and cousin. Lately I've been feeling so left out of my family. I feel like I'm not welcome and like my uncle could care less if something happened to me. I may be wrong about the last thing but I can't help but feel that way. I get so frustrated because I have so many mixed feelings about my uncle. Like I love everything he has done for me but then I'm angry because lately he hasn't been treating me the same.
Life is so confusing. I wish we could know where our lives would be in a few years instead of having to always wonder. Wondering always makes stuff worse because on those days when you have to much time to think, you always think about the worst possible stuff, or at least that's how it goes for me. Hmm I don't think I had a lesson learned to day.... just a lot of thoughts.... but whatever...

Today is the second to last day of school and it gets sadder and sadder. Like I'm just a kid how am i supposed to be ready in 2 years to pretty much begin my life. I don't know what I want to do. Blah life sucks.
I've been thinking lately.. well actually since like this morning haha.... If time is a non renewable source then we have wasted alot of time on useless stuff like tv and video games. What could we have done with those precious hours that won't every come back? Could we have made a difference in someone's life?
In my exam for spanish I read this poem by this kid in my class and it meant alot. The poem is pretty much talking about our moment it comes around every once in a while and when it happens we never want it to stop. When that moment is done we are all mixed up with everybody else then everythings calm. He's talking about a waterfall but when you read it , you can relate it to your life. In that moment, we can make a difference in someone's life and make this world that we live in a better place.
If we took one moment of our lives everyday to do something for somebody, we could be spiraling down into confusion of why we did it when we could've been doing something else but in the end we'll know it was the right thing to do. In the end when everything calms down, we are all going to be together peacefully because we made that choice to do a kind act.
Yup my thoughts are very confusing and vary from day to day but why think about on subject for a long time when there are so many other things you can have your mind on than that one subject. Hope you enjoy my confusion....

hmm... so yesterday was okay just like every other day. I went to church then after I went to Meagan's house. I got a PPI from her dad and made cookies. I also went to seminary graduation and saw Rachel!!!!! It was like the best night ever!!!!!!
Today I had my spanish and P.E. finals. They were pretty easy. I almost cried cuz it's sad. Even though it's exciting at the same time. I guess that's how most things in life go. One thing ends while another begins. A never ending cycle of sorrow and happiness. I guess one can't exist with out the other but with the help of Our Heavenly Father, He can make stuff easier to bare. I'm not sure which form of that word I'm supposed to use haha oh well you know what I mean. But ya it's hard to believe but it's true. God gave up Jesus so that our burdens would be easier and so that our sins can be forgiven. It's amazing what He does for us and we don't even aknowledge half the stuff He does. Maybe if we did, we would have more blessings. I don't know just my thoughts for the day...
Tomorrow I have study skills and english exam. blah.... I need to study but I probably won't cuz those tests are easy and I have a high enough grade that even if I fail I'll still have a pretty good overall grade. I love my laziness and procrastination. I guess I only have a couple more days of doing that for school untill next school year. ahahahahaha >=)

So today was okay. I spent the night at Jamie's house last night. She had to drop me off early in the morning cuz she had to clean. I hung out with Shelby this afternoon and said bye to Sister Wilcock. It seems like every leader we get really close to moves. First Rachel and now Sister Wilcock and Sister Bischoff. It makes me sad. Well at least Rachel's still in Vegas. Sister Wilcock and Sister Bischoff are moving to Utah.
Today was also another day of feeling left out and not belonging. People try to help but it never really seems to help. Meagan tells me to sing this song but I have no clue what it is. I've never heard it before in my life. So I guess I have to wait for Meagan to share it with me tomorrow.
If only things were different, is the comment that always pops into my head. But things aren't different, so we have to deal with things the way they are because life is not fair. We can't always get what we want in life, so we have to make with what we have. No matter how much or little it is. It was given to us for a reason.
Blah I was just playing outside and now I'm all gross. Oh ya I got a new cousin. I don't know what it is yet. haha I'm mean but ya I feel really bad for that kid. Well I'm happy that my aunt adopted it but I feel bad because of who my aunt probably wants this little kid to be. She is such a perfectionist that she'll probably want this kid to be perfect the way she tried to make me and my brother be but thank goodness I was a pain in her butt haha. I was a bad child.
I don't think I had a little lesson today but enjoy my thoughts for the day

okay so i lied, yesterday was better than the day before but when it became night ..... ugh sometimes I wish cetain events didn't happen but whatever they happened for a reason I do not know yet. Sometimes I just get so fed up with everything. It seems like the things I do don't matter. I hate feeling this way but I can't pretend like nothing happened.
So today I was supposed to hang out with Rachel but that didn't happen. I miss her so much. I haven't seen her in so long. Instead I ended up ..... can't say but it wasn't a good choice. I hung out with Jamie, Ebony, Ange, and Nikki. It was fun but I would've rather been with Rachel. I got home and you know that overwhelming feeling of reality just coming down on you. I felt that. Everything is so hard and I just want to quit but life isn't a game you can just give up on. No matter how hard we want to, life isn't worth giving up because things get better you just have to have a good attitude. On one of my friend's blogs, she has a story about this girl who only had 3 strands of hair. One day she decided she was going to braid those 3 hairs, so she did and she had a great day. The next day she only had 2 hairs, so she decided to part her hair down the middle and had a great day. The day after that she only had 1 hair, so she decided she was going to put up and had a great day. The day after that she had no hair and she exlaimed " Thank Goodness!!!! now I don't have to do my hair" I think this is that attitude we should all have because other people's lives can be harder than ours. The only difference between ours and theirs is our attitude.
So ya my lesson for the day... hope you enjoyed it..

Uh today was okay. Better than yesterday. Had a stuco meeting which was fun... i don't know how else to explain it lol. Shelby has a choir concert but I don't know if I want to go to it. So ya everyday I learn something new that helps me and i like it. Even though most of the time I don't like what i learn.
Today I've been thinking alot about the stuff in life I've missed out on and I've realized that some events might've been important and others i happened to miss out on that just didn't happen. I don't know why life is so unfair but that's why we have Heavenly Father with us all day everyday. He helps us know where to go and what to do. Through experience I have learned that falling back on someone I can't see is hard,I still don't fully fall back on God. I just have trust issues and I know i shouldn't have them but i can't help the fact that I've been hurt so much in my life. Thinking about these things sucks but I can't hide them forever. It is what it is and my experiences have made me who I am and I have the people I need in my life and that's what matters the most. They teach me something new everyday and help me through everything I'm going through.
Blah... these are my random thoughts of the day that nobody would've ever heard or even knew I had if it wasn't for this blog thing. ugh sometimes I wish I could change the way things happened but that's never going to happen... okay I'm done with my rant...

So far today is really boring. Um i went to school and then Sis. Burley never picked me up from school :*( sad day. So I have just been laying in my bed since I've been home. I have a volleyball game in a little. I think we're gonna lose but can't let Sis. Paul know that. There is only like 6 more days of school. It's so weird how the school year goes by so slow yet so fast. In two years I'm going to have to start my life, it's so weird to think about. Gosh I don't even know what I want to do. Well I guess this is part of life. Nothing is for sure but at least we always know that we have God on our side and if we do want He asks of us then we'll be headed in the right direction.

messing around

You would think that messing around with this would make it easier, but it doesn't. This thing still really confuses me and Christiana's help isn't that good. She like knows everything and then tries to explain it but i don't get it. UGH!!!! And having to clean my room all day doesn't really help my attitude >=/ but at least my room is clean :) well mostly cleanl. Everything is where its supposed to be and my uncle approved it so i guess I'm in the clear..... for now.

setting this up

Okay so I trying to set this up with Christiana's help and it's really hard. I don't like this but I'm gonna make it look AMAZING because I'm thinking... if i do a bunch of complicated things on this, then the little things will be easy.