Ya so nothing new lately. Just thinking alot about everything. I feel like everything I've been doing lately doesn't matter. I've been in a "I don't care" mood for the last week and the truth is that whenever I say that I really do care.
I feel so unprepared for what is to come and I feel like I haven't learned from what has happened. I feel like I can't ever make up my mind anymore between what I know is right and what I know is wrong. I know and I believe mostly everything I've been taught but I seem to feel like I don't really know anything at all. I'm in a really confusing stage in my life and I don't know where to go from here. Well I do but I don't know how to get where I want to go without hurting people's feelings or hurting myself. I wish things were a lot simpler. I wish people couldn't read me so easily. There's alot of things I wish for but I know won't ever happen. Well they might happen but I'm too impatient to wait for things to happen. God does stuff in His time and sometimes I feel like He's not going to help me at all but I know He is, I'm just too impatient to wait.
Ever since I came back from trek last week, I've been thinking alot about faith. Having faith in someone or something that you can't see is really hard for me. I have faith and I do believe but I feel like my faith isn't enough sometimes and I get so frustrated because I really hate not knowing. But not knowing is a part of life, a part of life that I hate dealing with and I've had to deal with it for so long that I just wish I would know what to do already. Ugh!!!!
Change of subject..... So I've picked up my guitar recently and I am learning how to play new songs. My fingers are pretty much dying from playing but it's okay because it'll all be worth it. Today a chunk of skin came of off my index finger on my left hand but it didn't hurt. It hurt though when I took a break and came back and tried to play again. My fingers are like bright pink and they all feel like they're burnt. It sucks and it sucks to type too so I'm going to leave you guys with these thoughts. Have a good evening

sorry I haven't posted in a while. Monday was a big day of drama than I'm glad is over. Tuesday was a surreal blur and Wednesday was a good day. I had a talk from Sister Paul that I really needed. It was about the source of all light and how the closer you are to the source the more you know the source is true but the farther you get from the source the more it gets warped by outside forces. The source of all light is God and everything that comes from Him is good even when it is so far away from Him. The light is still good far away but it gets warped and twisted by Satan. Our thoughts are affected by this too. Once we have a bad thought we only get worse thoughts after that but if we have good thought then they only seem to get better.

So I haven't written in a little bit sorry. This whole week has been a new experience for me. Every day I woke up way earlier than I usually do and I read scriptures with the Pauls. After we read together, all of us youngins cleaned up the house for the day so then we could play. My time was so off being there. Like by the time I usually wake up, we were all outside playing. It was fun. They really made me feel like I was part of the family.
On Wednesday, I actually started my Personal Progress. What a miracle!!! I made a bonnet for the trek. I didn't think it would be so hard to sew it but it was fun and it turned out really pretty. I am totally gonna keep it because it is the BOMB!!!! haha and that night I had to massage Meagan to sleep but i did that the last two nights also. The only difference this time was that Meagan was like smacking me in the head whenever I stopped. It was kinda funny haha
Yesterday was Amanda's graduation party. There were more kids and adults here than there were her friends. It was funny but fun at the same time. I got to see Rachel again. She says that I've changed alot but I don't see it. She said that I was more mature and happy. I don't know if the second one is true or the first one. I am more happy but not really. I don't know what to do anymore but I try to act and be the happiest I can be when I'm not at my house because it's not worth acting depressed and making other people worry about you. I don't know maybe it's just me though.
Today I am pretty much going to be doing nothing like I did yesterday. Oh ya yesterday everybody left me =[ but I still had fun.. I went over to my friends' house and chilled with them. They're brother and sister, one is in my sunday school class and the other is in my young women class. It was fun hanging with them but I ended up only hanging out with Mitchell and Justin and not with Lindsey but she kinda left me for Sydnee when she came over. Oh well I still had fun. So ya I might go over to their house again today and chill but we can't rough house today because I'm still really sore from yesterday. Well there's a slight possibilty I might write again today. So have a great day and be positive and happy because you will always have a great day if you're happy. Even if bad things happen, you can always make it better with your attitude.

So hmm today I went to Wally World lol AKA Walmart and Target with Marco. It was fun but I always feel awkward with him just because of everything that has gone on between like me and his dad, my uncle. Blah whatever things are meant to happen and they are going to happen whether we like it or not.
So everybody is leaving like super early tomorrow morning so I have to go to Meagan's house today. I don't mind going over because I pretty much live there but I hate the fact that I'm not even trusted to be home alone or have a key to my house. I hate not being trusted, it's the worse feeling ever. There are two things I hate hearing from the people closest to me and that is that they're disappointed in me and that they don't trust me.I used to have a very low self-esteem, I know its hard to believe, but ya I still do every once in a while and when I hear people say that they don't trust me, it just makes it go lower.
BLAH!!!!! I don't really have a lesson today or even a thought. I'm tired of feeling this way. I just want things to change back to how they were before I met my mom

Yesterday I spent the night at my mom's house because I haven't seen my brother in forever and it was way awkward. I didn't want to spend the night but my brother kept making me feel bad. Blah it was like a set up too. My uncle really doesn't want me here any more. When I came home this afternoon, everybody was like why are you here? It sucks to feel like you aren't welcome in your own home but even sucks more to know that the house you live in isn't going to be there forever.
I feel so empty yet full at the same time. Empty because of everything and opportunity I've lost throughout my life and because of the feeling that I'm not welcome. Full because of every opportunity I've taken and the blessings I've gotten. Being full is way better than being empty but the feeling of being empty somehow stays with me more than the feeling of being full.
It's weird how life works it way out of things but then into other things. If there's one thing I've learned from Sister Paul, is that LIFE IS NOT FAIR.... oh and also that people can't make you do anything because everything is your choice. That's why we're here. But ya as I was saying.... Life isn't fair so we have to deal with the obstacles in our lives no matter how painful they are. We can't go and complain about everything because then we are just wasting air doing it. Nothing good ever comes from complaining, I've learned from experience but I wish it would help. whatever....

So ya today has been very very boring. I have literally done nothing all day. Uh today i have to meet my aunt's kid she adopted and nobody is look forward to it. I really don't want to meet it and I especially don't want to see her. That's really mean to say but whatever I don't like her.
I've pretty much been texting all day. Morgan, Zach, and Christiana pretty much are making my day. They all texted me to see if I was okay haha. I thought it was quiet funny. Well Morgan is trying to find a way to save me from everything. Like honestly I haven't really talked about my life in a while and now that I think of it..... how did I go through everything I did and still be normal? I was so angry and depressed for most of my life and now everybody you ask will say I'm happy all the time. Maybe God was on my side the whole time and now that that part of my life is over He is helping me forgive all the people I was so angry at. I've also realized that you can be so angry at someone and still forgive them. It doesn't mean you have to ever like them again or that they're going to be your best friends but the fact that you can let everything that happened go. Just makes the greatest difference. It's like a huge weight being lifted off of your shoulders. Also knowing that you're not alone and that you never will be is like the greatest feeling ever.... my thoughts for today are simple but I just feel lucky right now because of all the knowledge I know....

So yesterday was probably the worst last day of school every. It was like super windy and it rained while I was walking with my friends to go pick something up. I got blisters on my feet from walking in these stupid flip flops. I didn't want to hang out with them but they made me feel bad cuz last year they were my best friends and this year I barely hung out with them. I felt so awkward with them because the stuff they were doing were totally against my standards. So I pretty much just sat there being the odd one out. Oh well I got to ride a 2 seater bike. It was fun. Then at mutual I got kneed in the head and my glasses got all bent. blah
Today started out horrible but I told myself that today was going to be a good day and so far it has been. I had like a really bad headache and throat ache this morning and I still have them but my day is still amazing. So far today I've worked out and gone to the park and tonight I'm going to Zach's BBQ.
Next week I'm gonna be at Meagan's house from like Tuesday til Friday. It's gonna be fun but I'm still bummed because I don't get to go to Mexico with my uncle and cousin. Lately I've been feeling so left out of my family. I feel like I'm not welcome and like my uncle could care less if something happened to me. I may be wrong about the last thing but I can't help but feel that way. I get so frustrated because I have so many mixed feelings about my uncle. Like I love everything he has done for me but then I'm angry because lately he hasn't been treating me the same.
Life is so confusing. I wish we could know where our lives would be in a few years instead of having to always wonder. Wondering always makes stuff worse because on those days when you have to much time to think, you always think about the worst possible stuff, or at least that's how it goes for me. Hmm I don't think I had a lesson learned to day.... just a lot of thoughts.... but whatever...

Today is the second to last day of school and it gets sadder and sadder. Like I'm just a kid how am i supposed to be ready in 2 years to pretty much begin my life. I don't know what I want to do. Blah life sucks.
I've been thinking lately.. well actually since like this morning haha.... If time is a non renewable source then we have wasted alot of time on useless stuff like tv and video games. What could we have done with those precious hours that won't every come back? Could we have made a difference in someone's life?
In my exam for spanish I read this poem by this kid in my class and it meant alot. The poem is pretty much talking about our moment it comes around every once in a while and when it happens we never want it to stop. When that moment is done we are all mixed up with everybody else then everythings calm. He's talking about a waterfall but when you read it , you can relate it to your life. In that moment, we can make a difference in someone's life and make this world that we live in a better place.
If we took one moment of our lives everyday to do something for somebody, we could be spiraling down into confusion of why we did it when we could've been doing something else but in the end we'll know it was the right thing to do. In the end when everything calms down, we are all going to be together peacefully because we made that choice to do a kind act.
Yup my thoughts are very confusing and vary from day to day but why think about on subject for a long time when there are so many other things you can have your mind on than that one subject. Hope you enjoy my confusion....

hmm... so yesterday was okay just like every other day. I went to church then after I went to Meagan's house. I got a PPI from her dad and made cookies. I also went to seminary graduation and saw Rachel!!!!! It was like the best night ever!!!!!!
Today I had my spanish and P.E. finals. They were pretty easy. I almost cried cuz it's sad. Even though it's exciting at the same time. I guess that's how most things in life go. One thing ends while another begins. A never ending cycle of sorrow and happiness. I guess one can't exist with out the other but with the help of Our Heavenly Father, He can make stuff easier to bare. I'm not sure which form of that word I'm supposed to use haha oh well you know what I mean. But ya it's hard to believe but it's true. God gave up Jesus so that our burdens would be easier and so that our sins can be forgiven. It's amazing what He does for us and we don't even aknowledge half the stuff He does. Maybe if we did, we would have more blessings. I don't know just my thoughts for the day...
Tomorrow I have study skills and english exam. blah.... I need to study but I probably won't cuz those tests are easy and I have a high enough grade that even if I fail I'll still have a pretty good overall grade. I love my laziness and procrastination. I guess I only have a couple more days of doing that for school untill next school year. ahahahahaha >=)