Things I've realized.... Things that are so simple can be the most difficult..I've disappointed myself and probably my parental units but I doubt they're as disappointed as I am in myself and actions. I feel as I've stabbed my back and am left in a corner to die. I want so much for someone to come in and fix it for me but it ain't never gonna happen. Pretty much I feel like I have to fake my emotions. I have every right to feel what I want but it will always affect who's around me. That freakin is so dumb. I wish I could feel what I wanted to and not have to worry about what others think. I don't know who I am, are, was.... who I want to be... It's such a scary thought. I know what I want but I'm not willing to try and get there... Sometimes getting what you want isn't what you really want..

Hmmm haven't posted in a while.... Let's see whats new....
Went to court...
Staying for good
Got 6 As 2 Bs
Still going to counseling
Had mole day
Had a math party and still hate math haha
Became closer to some friends...
Going to conference this week...
that about sums it up...


Have a great day

Last weekend we went to Arizona. It was fun and I actually stayed up for most of the car ride home and didn't feel sick. We got home safe so that was good. Meagan and Brianna tried to extend our visit another day but it didn't happen. It was fun to watch though. This week we've had 2 A days in a row because we had a make up snow day. It was kind of pointless so we could've stayed in Arizona one more day but Bro Paul has a funny little thing called work that sustains our living haha so we couldn't really have stayed another day.
Don't you hate those days when reality hits you so hard you know you have to change the way your life is going to make that sharp pain go away. Today I experienced that in counseling and the first thing I thought was.. "Wow I suck really bad" but I don't suck, I just don't realize how bad I'm hurting myself with my thought. No matter how comforting I think they are. Well I guess what I'm trying to say is.... Don't let yourself get in the way of everything. What I mean is don't be so consumed in your ego because it just damages your relationships you have with everybody even if it doesn't seem like it.

Today is Wednesday and we found out who won elections.... I'm the senior class treasurer. Kinda cool, didn't think I would win haha. Kinda sad because people I wanted to win didn't win. Today is going to be a little bit busy. I have Laurel Secretary business to do plus homework which is kind of a lot for once. I should start doing my homework the day it's assigned and not put it off so then I won't have to worry about it later. Well..... Don't feel like saying my issues because they're still the same and nobody ever wants to hear me since all I do is complain or whatever. PEACE.

YAY!!! Today is Friday. Thank goodness. I didn't think my homework from counseling would be so hard, but it is way hard. I feel really bad. Pretty much about myself, which is something I'm not supposed to be feeling or whatever because it's totally against the reason I'm going to counseling. I'm pretty much going in a downward spiral at the moment. So I guess I'll leave you with my self-pity.

Finally done with my posters for Student Council which I'm happy about but now about the way my posters turned out. Can't wait for elections to be over. I only have one person running against me so hopefully it all turns out good. Supposed to go to my madres today but she kind of cancelled on me. I might still chill with her, haven't really decided yet.
So so far for the past 3 weeks someone has been sick every week. This week it's Conner, last week it was me, and the week before that it was Sydnee. Kinda sucks that someone has been sick every week. Hopefully nobody else gets sick because it is not fun to be sick. I'm still not fully recovered from when I was sick.
Next year I'm going to have 8 classes. So much for being a Senior haha. Some kids think I'm dumb for doing it but that's only because they're lazy and want to be lazy all next year. That's the difference between the honors kids and regular kids. Honors kids want to learn more and the regular kids just want to be done with school but learning is never finished. Each and every day we learn something new. Pretty cool and crazy haha.
Don't know what else to say. Enjoy my feelings/random thoughts.

So right now I am in St. George. It's a bit colder than Vegas but it's fun. Right now a parade of homes is going on and I didn't feel like going because I have homework to do ugh. I need to get on that. So pretty much today I'm going to spend with Ahnalisse.
I've realized how much I love this family and everybody in it. They bring me joy, which I found out what it really meant yesterday in YW. Everybody treats me as if I were their sister or cousin or niece or daughter. It's a great feeling.

Happy actual Valentines day. Haven't done much all day. Cleaned and did some homework. Yesterday was Friday the 13th haha. Meagan and Loryn had a little kid Valentine party. It was kinda fun. Then afterwards we had a little birthday party thing for one of the missionaries. After that I hung out with Shelby, Amanda, Juelian, and others. It was fun to see them again and they helped me realize that I suck at Scene It haha. Still sick and coughing a lot which sucks. Going to St. George today I guess and kinda excited but not really cuz I don't really like car ride. And ya nothing else to do so I'm gonna go play games on the comp. so peace

Well it has been another forever long. Happy new year, ground hogs day, and valentines day all together. I have decided since everybody's getting a blog that I should keep mine more updated. Got my permit finally on Jan. 2nd but I don't really drive. I don't really like driving and the only times I wish I could drive is when I want food haha kinda sad. Had the best christmas ever. Court is in a month and11 days I believe but I'm not exactly sure. Been sick this past week, kinda sucks. I have a voice like a goose right now, not very attractive haha. Still don't like dating. Had a best friend move. Made some new friends. Running for senior class treasurer, hope I make it. Got called as laurel class secretary and meagan's the pres. Pretty cool. Learning to like piano. Need to buy some guitar books. Need a job. Taking the ACT in June and completely lost on what to look forward to. Going to counseling, learning to like it. Dealing with my issues and letting go of what made me mad. Now I'm just mad at myself. Pretty much feel like my faith is gone. Never really felt like I had any. Don't trust everything will be okay. Kinda stopped praying. So confused at what I want. Don't know who I want to be. Want everything to be laid out before me. Hate not knowing where I'll be by the end of next month. Don't want to leave the Paul's. Don't know what I'll do if I don't stay. Everything seems so unreal. Hate making decisions. Hate the fact that I honestly don't know anything. Mad at myself for getting so upset over little things.
Hate that I don't speak up for myself and just take it. Hate that I can't express my feelings the way I want to. Hate that I have to cry. Hate that I'm wrong. Hate that I can't trust. Hate that I feel this way. I hate that I'm to ignorant and stubborn to do anything about it. All I do instead of making things better is push people away that can help. All I do is turn my back on the One that can actually help me. All because I'm stubborn. My feelings at the moment. Sorry they start out happy and turn depressing.